Movie: Batman

(Just to warn you, there's a little spoiler for Dark Knight in here too. Because I just can't help bringing that movie up a skosh in comparison.)
This week's Netflix offering is the 1989 Batman, the one with Jack Nicholson as the Joker. Ah, man, remember when that was just the coolest movie ever?

It's not the coolest movie ever any more. Actually, it's... terrible. There's a reason it's out of print. Which is actually kind of a shame, because it would be excellent Rifftrax fodder.

It's bad. It's so bad, I'm not even sure where to start. Yes I do. Jack Palance. Jack Palance is in it. 'Nuff said. I can't even see the name "Jack Palance" without immediately think of the MST of "Outlaw of Gor" (interestingly enough, made the same year as Batman here) and all the goofy hats he wore. But even without goofy hats, he's still here in this movie doing the Jack Palance voice. You know, where he's trying to sound really intimidating but actually sounds chronically asthmatic and constantly gasping for breath.

Maybe you don't know. Good for you. Suffice to say, Jack Palance = bad.

Let's see, what else do we got bad? Oh, I can't do that, I'll type out the whole movie. Hey, how about "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Oh, I just like the sound of it. It's just something I say to all my prey. ... Even though we're an hour and 24 minutes in and this is the first time I've said it. And I'll only say it one other time and that'll be in flashback.... OK, look, so maybe I don't say it very often at all." Or the first gangster boss guy who gets electrocuted with the joy buzzer and it's just... No. Just no. Or Batman walking around in the cape and raising his arms like Dracula so you just expect him to go "blah".

Oh, it hurts. It really hurts. My brain is already heading back with a shovel going "there was no reason to take this out of the 1990s."

Oh, and it really saddens me that it's gotten to this point, but... Well, is it just me, or do all of Danny Elfman's soundtracks sound more or less alike?

Well, was there anything good about the Batman movie, or were we all just high on hair spray fumes in 1989? (You know what I'm talking about. Don't deny it; I've got yearbook photos.)

OK, yes, there were a few good things:
1) Best Alfred ever.
2) The 1990s Batmobile had style in ways the new one can only wish for. Sorry, I just don't care for the wheeled tank -- at least not the one that looks like a wheeled tank.

Also, I regret that sequels never fulfilled the implied promise of Lando Calrissian as Two-Face. :(

Sadly, I think "Batman" had a major effect on most of the comic book movies to follow, and not necessarily a good one. There's the need for a backstory where one was not needed and in Joker's case, did not previously exist. (Well, in Joker's case it was one of many, but anyway.) There's the irrational need to kill the villain at the end. Why? Why did "Batman" do it, even? It's the Joker. You catch him, you send him to Arkham, he escapes in 6 months and goes on a rampage, lather, rinse, repeat. It's practically part of the schtick.

And that leads me to my final thought. Ever notice how in all the modern Batman movies, Batman never kills... except when he does? I can't think of a single one where Batman isn't directly responsible for someone's death. Hell, the "no killing rule" was a major plot point in Dark Knight and it gets broken.