This tragedy could have been prevented with sex toys.

This week's movie is The Barefoot Contessa, and I've just spoiled the whole thing for you with that subject line.  Worse than that, I don't even feel that bad about it.  It's really one of those movies where the journey is at least as important as the end, if not moreso.  Besides, the movie starts at her funeral, and it's not long after we meet Vincenzo that they hint very heavily that he can't get it up.

Honestly, though, if your schwinky was blown off in the war, you really need to tell your bride this before the wedding night.  It gives you two a chance to place an order with Babeland for a good strap-on and a bunch of lube.  At the very least, he could get into it with the oral.  Seriously, dude, this is grounds for annulment.  A little upfront honesty would avoid a lot of embarrassment later on.

Of course, on the other side of that, even if you're 110% certain that having a kid would make your husband happy beyond words, you really need to discuss it with him first.  Especially if he can't help you with that.

So that was the last 20 minutes.  The hour and a half leading up to it was actually quite good.  I like the unexpected character development on Oscar, Vincenzo's introduction makes me fall in love with him at first sight, and Bogart is in top form.

That last one isn't really saying much in my opinion.  I know this is blasphemous to say, but personally, Humphrey Bogart couldn't act.  You watch him saying all these now-famous lines in Casablanca, and he's not saying them as a man about to send the love of his life off with another never to see her again; he's saying them like someone reciting famous lines from Casablanca.  Maltese Falcon, his partner is murdered and he's blamed for it, what's his reaction?  Slightly drunken grumpiness.  That's basically his default setting in every movie he's been in: slightly drunken grumpiness.  I'm telling you, his supporting cast carried him in every single flick.

Nonetheless, the others in Barefoot Contessa do not let him drag it down.  Personally, I think you could cut Bogie out without hurting the movie much at all. 

I'd have to say the biggest problem with Barefoot Contessa is near-fatal metastory.  "If this were a movie, I would have..."  Guys, come off it.  You don't even get the "it was original when we did it" excuse because Arsenic and Old Lace kicked your ass at it 10 years earlier.  (Arsenic and Old Lace's metastory is also near fatal, but in a way that means you'll die laughing.)

On the other hand, you get to watch two insanely rich guys cat fighting, and it's awesome.  I think one of my favorite lines was the retort to the "self-made" rich guy who just accused the hereditary rich guy of never working a day in his life: "You've never worked a day in your life, either.  To make a hundred dollars into a hundred and ten dollars - this is work. To make a hundred million into a hundred and ten million, this is inevitable."

So watch it, enjoy it, debate with friends about whether things would have turned out with a dildo, a butt plug, and a case of KY.