Book: Notre Dame de Paris

More commonly known in English translation as The Hunchback of Notre Dame, by Victor Hugo. I finished reading this one a few months ago, and I keep meaning to put up a review, and I keep not getting around to it. So I'm doing it now, apparently. ;)

Anyway, when I first sat down to read it, I had already seen several movie versions of it: some animated version on Nickelodeon when I was a kid, the 1923 silent Lon Chaney vehicle, and I'm sure there's some other live action version somewhere in there. We won't even mention the Disney movie of the same name, because there's nothing in common with the source material there except for a few names.

So, when I started out, I thought I might compare it to some of the movie versions out there and talk about what's different and what's the same with those and the book.

Well, I'm not going to because there's not a damn one that's even remotely close to the book. Not even in the same zip code. Very few, if any, movies are even willing to make Frollo a priest, much less do the story as the absolutely scathing critique of strictly hierarchical religion that it is.

I love the character of Frollo, because he is so wonderfully messed up. He doesn't set out to be evil, but, well, I mentioned that scathing critique of religion thing, right? He's trapped in a very narrow world view with no coping mechanisms for a new emotional experience, and in a system that says "must be witchcraft; burn her at the stake to solve it" instead of "Well, Claude, you're kind of a late bloomer, but this is normal. Just go jerk off for a while and take a cold shower." He's been taught from a young age that natural is sinful, and he's pretty warped because of it.

Quasimodo is not at all like modern movie makers like to do him. Modern makers love the "hideous exterior holds a beautiful heart" trope, but this is not at all the case when it was published in 1831. In 1831, physiognomy was the scientific shiznits. It was practically a given. Ergo, of course Quasimodo's mind was as twisted as his body -- which is almost word-for-word how the description went. And honestly, he's not so much a character as part of the cathedral. A lot of reviews/critiques of the book talk about how the cathedral is almost a character; well, on the flip side of that, Quasimodo's almost part of the scenery. Sort of an ambulatory gargoyle. He does have development throughout the story and he's kind of interesting, but he is not the focus by any means at all.

Phoebus is a dick. And when I say that he is a dick, I mean that he thinks exclusively with Little Phoebus. Phoebus's day must be really easy, because no matter what's going on, he only has to make one decision. "Can I get laid this way?" If the answer's yes, go for it. If the answer's no, do something else.

I love Gringoire. Sadly, he gets cut out of most movie versions. He is a fun character. Comic relief -- you're doing it right. I love at the end when he takes off with the goat. Girl, goat... Girl can take care of herself.

Then there's Esmerelda. Esmerelda is a problem. Esmerelda is a BIG problem. Absolutely no 16-year-old girl would ever act like Esmerelda. I think of the stupidest, fluffy-minded-est, most charmed-life-ed-est girl from my high school, and not even she would act like Esmerelda.
She starts out, she knows her parents are out there somewhere and has a charm she believes will help her find them as long as she's still a virgin. And because of this she is still a virgin at 16, despite traveling with a large group of very criminal men and getting married.

So, she gets saved from a kidnapping by Phoebus. This fits in perfectly with his decision-making process. "Hmm, rescuing a cute girl. Can I get laid that way? Absolutely! Rescue it is!" And this looks like it's going to work for him, because hey, strapping handsome knight in shining armor, 16-year-old girl.

I'm fine with it up through here.

So, he takes her to a place that rents rooms by the hour, and gives her the most clumsy seduction ever. The man can't even keep her name straight, for God's sake. She tells him everything she's going to be giving up to boink him, "but you love me and you'll marry me after, right?"
Uh, no.

He tells her no. I will give him credit for that; he doesn't even pretend, even though pretending does support the usual "can I get laid this way?"
Well, she talks herself into a circle to go back to the sex thing -- which is where I'm starting to have a problem, but I can hang with that for now -- and there would have been boinking if not for an exceptionally evil Claude stabbing the guy. That really kills the mood.

So, Esmerelda gets tried for murder and witchcraft, and they torture a confession out of her. Let me say this again. They torture a confession out of her. And of course she gets convicted, because it's 1482, and there's imprisonment and almost an execution except she's rescued by Quasi, and all the while there's deep dark sorrow that the object of her love is dead. And then she discovers that Phoebus is alive! This is where her character really starts falling apart.
Real girl: "He's alive! Yay! ... Wait. He's been alive all this time? And he didn't rescue me? He didn't even come speak up for me? He let me be convicted of his murder even though he wasn't dead? He let me be tortured? That asshole! If I see him again, I really will stab him!"
Esmerelda: "He's alive! Yay! I will pine for him. And pine. And pine. And keep pining. And completely ignore that he's blowing off all of my attempts to contact him and besides, he's got to know I'm up here in Notre Dame because all of Paris does and yet I can't get him to give me the time of day. Did I mention I'll pine for him?"

So, story goes on, and there's a riot and she ends up out of the Cathedral. All of Paris is looking for her. Half wants to kill her. The other half started out wanting to rescue her, but they started out really drunk and a bunch of them got killed, which they've decided is somehow her fault and now they want to kill her too. So, all of Paris wants to kill her.

And in the midst of this, she finds her long-lost mother! And there is much joy between the two, and Mom has her perfectly hidden and no one is EVER going to think that Mom is hiding her because Mom very vocally despised her before realizing this was her daughter. And it's all looking good, no one's going to find Esmerelda here, she has the parent she's searched all her life for, they'll just hang out until night comes again and then sneak out of Paris and everything will be happy and roses and rainbows.

And then Phoebus rides by.

Real Girl: stays STFUing. If the cold raw fear of death doesn't do it, she remembers that Phoebus is a dick who can't even remember her name, and who let her be tortured and almost executed and besides, now she has her Mom and a perfect hiding place and soon there will be escape and sunshine and roses and joyfulness.

Esmerelda: shouts "Yay, Phoebus!"

So of course she gets busted and drug out of her hiding place, and Mom gets killed and Esmerelda gets killed and there's death everywhere, and Phoebus doesn't care because death doesn't get him laid. :P

Esmerelda is a complete character fail. Of all of the women I've ever met in any way, many of them would behave differently then my fictional "Real Girl", but I can't imagine a single one of them acting like Esmerelda. Everything about her says "you were written by a man who thought women were just short of a different species, weren't you?" Having read Les Miserables (but having to rush through a good portion for reasons I won't get in to), I'm really surprised by just how terrible of a characterization she is; but I guess 30 years gives a guy some experience.

Nonetheless, the book is most assuredly worth reading at least once. Victor Hugo writes beautiful prose and a good story. Even if Esmerelda is completely unbelievable, there are a myriad of other wonderful characters, and all in all, it's definitely worth the time.